Start a magazine (article guide)

-The spot every man secretly wants to be touched
-The one trick that will have her begging for more, every time
-Coverage of trend that’s either over or never existed in the first place—i.e. leg warmers redux, stun guns being used by self-medicating shock therapists
-How to shave correctly
-Results of survey on what percentage of Americans believe in U.F.O.’s and/or God
-Column on the vicissitudes of pubic hair fashion
-In-depth examination of power-politics at the top of Disney or other Hollywood studio
-Declaration of next “it” girl/Pictorial and profile of current “it” girl/Tragic story of former “it” girl
-Which moisturizer is best?
-The Death of Something (The Novel, Film, Monogamy, Childhood, Hip-Hop, Heterosexuality, Faith, The Circus, Irony, Penmanship, College Basketball, Leisure, etc.)
-Health report on mineral you’re not getting enough of, along with sobering news that you’ll need to eat 17 servings of mung beans a week to correct the deficiency

Challenge

Better than a ball game floating out of a transistor radio, in summer, at night?

Some good montage

-Skateboarding mishaps
-Makeover of person or house
-Lots of swallowing of pills and bottles of pills being opened
-Cash registers dinging and credit cards being swiped
-Amusement park romance: mini-golf, go-karts
-Fast-motion stadium concert set-up
-Bikinis on beach
-Close-ups of people smoking things

Ghost

Or maybe we need to be less Christ-like.

Is it okay to be afraid of the Christian right?

This is where you come in

There are truths, people, facts that can't be Googled.

Assumin'

Everytime I hear a cellphone ring, I assume it's mine.
Everytime I see a human figure in a window, I assume it's a young and nude woman.

Doing wrong

Is forgiveness supposed to come naturally?
Can you force it?

I want a good, big map

White Castle wrappers make appropriate trash.

The Indecisive Moment

Self-improvement--but to what end?

I'm trying to start using 'beast' as slang for the male and female genitals.

You don't have to be a man to be a man.

Extra

Don't throw me no surprise parties.

High on fiber

The opposite of a hypochondriac-
Assuming nothing is ever wrong.

One thing that gets better as you get older are naps.
This might be reason enough for continuing.

One answer

Noodles with butter and TV was good then, and it's good now.

Sweety...

My embrace of the ephemeral is ephemeral.

Wonder where your pony tail is swinging now.

A theology

No person, thing, or idea should be praised too much.
Everyone and everything is incomplete.
I'm even against the deification of God.

Cheers

I don't drink much, but I love the tangy smell of last night's beer bottles--
takes me someplace. I'll pour one out before bed to get that scent in the morning--a short-cut to evoke some old party, some old buzz.

Cutthroat

I'm in a competition to see who can be the least competitive.

Observation, not judgement

These kids won't know what it's like to rewind a video tape.

Order

So many books about obsession-compulsion--the lack of that disorder now feels like a kind of emptiness.
I'm mildly jealous of people who can't touch bathroom doorknobs.

But I will change clothes twice before going to the orange store.

Free song

Lean close to feel the breeze from the speaker.

I'm a heartbeat away from the presidency.

False modesty is better than no modesty.
Sometimes it's all we've got.

Do people still get mad when their favorite tunes are used in advertisements?
Let's do away with that line.

Demographic

I try to relate to people moving in the other direction on the escalator.

Character quiz

At a jukebox, you have to play one Queen song out of the following:

We Are The Champions
Somebody To Love
Fat-Bottomed Girls
Bicycle

Identity theft

To have someone steal your identity and trash your credit would be terrible, but it would also be bad to have someone steal your identity and make tons of money and fame and contentment and love. You would have to watch your imposter do better at your life than you could ever do.

(I might be seeing this now.)

Security camera

Looked at my image on the monitor over the pizza counter, and I thought it was my mother.

Audience peril

Cell phones have made live theater even more fragile. It's not enough to turn all phones off, or even leave them at home. They have to be un-invented. The potential ring is almost as bad as the ring itself.

Adult entertainment

Elaine visited;
Saw Charlie Rose at Elaine's.

Why are people against being imitated?
That's mostly what I've wanted.

Are we supposed to like or despise people who remind us of us?

Wanting to make a movie just to put together a soundtrack--
Should we have a word for that?

When one is alone, and one farts, and it doesn't smell--the vague disappointment one feels--
Do the French have a word for that?