Summary

Do what you can-
for good.

Antioxidant overdose

Tumbling down the rabbit hole of the alumni directory. Send a friendly note to the TA who blew me 12 years ago? It's not Christmas until you get a bizarre letter from the past, the words galloping as if the intervening years never happened.

I don't like the metaphor of the rabbit hole. It obfuscates rather than clarifies meaning. No more rabbit holes. The alumni directory should be the comparison that explains other things.

Don't read too much into stuff.

Something came to me in the kitchen.

A gentle vise on my temples.

Precision with language is like...

(I just learned that word.)

See

I miss Blind Date.
If not the show, then what watching it represented.

Do we want people addicted to us?

(Then you shouldn't have offered.)

Sandwish shops

Regarding the "Most Wished For Items" on amazon.com:
Boy do we dream small.
I worry future civilizations will pity us.

I also worry that I haven't been spending enough time thinking about future (and past--same dif) civilizations.

But we cherish and draw strength from these small dreams.

You misunderstand me

You, Miss,
understand me.

Cool out

The front table at Grand Sichuan on Canal.

Triangular buildings.

Narrow escalators.

Holding a cup of coffee through thick gloves.

Chubby squirrels, abandoned chess tables.

Having to pee in winter.

Lately I've been courting mild food poisoning...

Decorations

You're supposed to complain that the holiday season goes on too long,
but I think it happens too fast.

I'll still be looking.

Keeps them out of trouble

On teaching grammar to students from Russia:
Not responsible for lost or stolen articles.

Is it even worth having a regret that doesn't sear?

Ban the butt.

That's me: first man clapping.
Hell, only man clapping.

My way or the sky way.

What's what you're talking about?

Gift books and
Weapons that work.

Frozen nose ring.

This cheapass phone.

Last man clapping

He likes telling people she's a dancer.

That can is top-shelf.

This time, I don't care where we sit.

I need a shoe horn,
but not the kind that you use to help put on shoes.

Recommendation

Have you listened to any podcasts?
Try Tom Shillue--
His voice is like a good bath.

Ask me about my camera

I want to see if that girl is still at the hostel, somehow.

Just because everyone can do it doesn't mean it isn't a skill.

Thanks for not calling me on that.

We're better at hearing things vibrate on surfaces.

It's all history.

What haven't we learned?

Sure I miss things

This is a good season.

Why not The Happy Truth About Sadness?

I've spend minutes staring at her picture.

An oldie but baddie.

Off to the gym.

The give and take of concrete

God bless the secular holidays.

I'll never know how to spell "separate" by heart.

"Scum" is an underrated word.

Maybe we shouldn't hold by years as much as we do.

Slogan: I gotta get over this.

Counterslogan:

Thanksgiving, girls

Across lawns, across lots.

If seeing blue highway signs promising restaurants doesn't thrill you--
There's nothing I can do to help.

Start up

Idea for magazine featuring sexy pictures of Jewish women:
"The Goldberg Variations"

Strictly casual

The last meadow dancers

Lozenge season

Popular works:
The Wind-Up Turd Chronicle
The Wisdom of Clouds

I have another headache

She smells like bagels.
Popping out of winter clothes--
I think I miss my camera phone!

acting on a tip from a neighbor
(a portrait of wolf-whistler's mother)

I have a headache

Mind if I take your dog for a walk?

Philter: A love potion (real vocab)

(What you're missing by reading)

(What they're missing by not reading)

As good as everyone says it is

There's magic in that old TV repair shop.

Fall night/light

What they usually mean is Seize the Dame,
which isn't always the best course of action.

Excremental

When people announce specifically that they have to take a "massive" dump.

What did you come up with?

Happy hour restrictions

Funny covers of old albums

Old women in nightgowns in doorways, keeping watch

Girls in skirts on bikes

Old Italian restaurants with tiled entryways and lighted Rest Room signs
(That we'll probably never eat at)

But in a good way

I'd like to overdraw her account.
I'd like to anthologize her knowledge.
I'd like to transfer to her G train.

Criticize me, will you?

I like being sweetly choked by cigar smoke.

I hope her stage name is Stephanie Noodles.

The existing are naturally prejudiced towards existence.

Grab Bag

plea: I just want to be naked with you.

band: The Legitimates

game show: That's Not Poetry!

fact: The Eckerd drugstore on Manhattan used to be a roller rink.

consolation: You can sleep on the plane.

question from the air: Are those cities?

Keep thinking

That a "Jerusalem artichoke" is one of those obscene and mythical sex moves.

Titles

Windy Picnic

The Cutening

Live on in a flip book

My new favorite place-

Accent elimination

I can't explain, but I will.

The anythingest anything.

Those clouds just can't be real. And they aren't.

Too "thinky"

I like psychology experiments that involve elevator buttons and/or where men choose to place themselves at urinal banks.

This might be wrong

Even the end of the world isn't the end of the world.

Could you watch my fruit stand?

On stage, they're something else.

A lot of people are walking around holding video cameras.

Production company: Question Entertainment

There's no such thing as must-see.

All these sets will be struck.

Requiem for payphones

Wars worrying about how popular they are.

It's been awhile since I've heard Paul discourse on the cultural moment of the Health Salad (cottage cheese, jello, and fruit salad on iceberg lettuce).

Artists market

Interpreting paintings can feel like physical labor.

Is Van Gogh obsolete?

Maybe we're looking at art all wrong.

An orchard vs. a depiction of an orchard.

A cultural history of cultural histories

Wish I knew Latin

God bless direct deposit

Everyone's a hypnotist

I do miss her (if that's the word)

She described the connection we had as a junk bond.

Name that tune

Misheard lyric that, when you found out what the words actually were, was the most crushing.
("I would not give you false hope, only strange and mournful days.")

Memoir of a model: Too Beautiful For Love

Band name: The Morning Afterpills

Easy for you to say

Meet me at my office-

The Learning Annex box at the corner of 2nd and 5th.

Don't worry about what you're going to do with your life.
Consider what your life is doing with you.

How about Disorganized Religion?

Lid

How the stains on a paper coffee cup tell, in cryptic terms, the story of the morning.

To be

Lost to the ages--
Not so bad

I'm a dash man

I'm a dash, man.
I mad ash, man.
I mad! ash=man
-Ima Dashman

Short poems

I could sit
Eating this taco forever
With the breeze and scene


I'm no foot fetishist
But I sure would
Suck that toe ring off


The Israeli girl
Sanctifying her tank top
Serves falafel

A poster of this?

Intellectual girls worrying about their butts.

Fest

If you don't get at least a little nauseous, you didn't do it right.

Open letter to the Gap

You're not selling boxer-briefs with interesting patterns anymore. Don't think I haven't noticed.

Guess

I'm thinking of a number between one and two.

I'm thinking of a concept between beautiful and irresistible.

I'm thinking of a fruit between raspberries and figs.

He of the lascivious hugs

Are we right to demand grins and good moods from salespeople and librarians?

Jamba Juice has become shorthand for something.

I rarely have the energy to order customized sandwiches.


Rocket tits
(Going to be a long, long time)

Thumb nail

That one about the hotel bar.

More mandolin

I like doing push-ups in hotel rooms.

I like soft guitars building to something.

(For a song not to work in a movie...)

Wisconsin

Driving to Madison, stopping in Whitewater.

I have my towns, you have yours, plus we can share.

Have to admit

A cross up high against a grey sky looks pretty great.

Everybody's an expert now

Folks grabbing their crotches and saying, "Google this."

Could power a what

The cumulative grace and beauty of all waitresses

I'm not going to argue

What you see when you look at yourself in an antique mirror.

I'm not going to argue

What you see when you look at yourself in an antique mirror.

Through the scratchitti

Let's just go with the idea of heaven as a lounge in the clouds.

Steve Martin's Art Collection

I'd like to sculpt all the dumb things I've said into a mountain, and shove it somewhere out of the way.

People should eat most food like wine enthusiasts drink wine.

Remember me to Cedar Hill. And to that other hill that doesn't have a name.

What sort of God can't handle some ribbing?

Men explaining phenomena

How about I'll be the blurry figure in the back of the picture.

Ramble on

I can't be in every park at once.
Or can I?

I've seen turtles here before.

These are some stand-up squirrels.

Maybe it's that rare wookpecker that people are arguing about.

After seeing the late-afternoon sun dance on the lake, I understand why you like those sparkly shoes.

(My friend says he has no Great Egrets, and refers to his bathroom as a Turd Sanctuary.)

I love/hate to tell you--

You are already committed.

That's what I'm talking about

This craving for a round of strip poker is overwhelming.

A lot of women are pulling suitcases these days.

Dancing on the tracks.
Asses being "aimed."

I can't get enough of leaning back in chairs.

Remember that time I

Filiopiety: excessive reverence for ancestors and traditions.

Is there one for excessive reverence for, and attachment to, one's personal experience?

Crumpled bills

Beggars' cups as a compassion tax.

To religion

Those who can't believe in God, but can believe in jinxes and luck.

Too gimmicky

I still like doing laundry--the way it connects you to your things, the dailyness of life, and the chore-god. But I wish the laundromat near me had more attractions: video games, a lounge area, magazines, a bumping singles scene.

The end of an individual's memory is a tragedy and a transcendence.

One thing about bad movies--they make regular life seem great and entertaining. Like, I can't wait.

It is unlikely that you will see me hefting a massive golf trophy.

Once removed

Amazing time at an unexpected (but dreamt of) diner.

What I like about root beer is that rubberiness.

Renting a MINI Cooper for a weekend is my top sexual fantasy.

Let's hear it for the virility and potential of the valet guys-

Re-criminalization

Watchdogging the skinny pride movement.

(I'm not so good at stare downs.)

Those bon bons are rich.

If that bra could talk...

Are you joking

Drinking carrot juice to imbibe a retro vitality

I'm excited about having a radio in the kitchen.

A fear of people with clipboards

What about when there is a there there?

Places where people were but aren't

I'm not sure I have the energy for Target.
How about Walgreen's?

Moon bathing

Is that a star or what?

Spill it, Victoria.

I felt like we really bonded.

"Extreme" blow jobs

(But that's as far as it goes)



At some point, self-knowledge yields diminishing returns.

Sounds like my kind of sandwich

But I like being on the grid.

Something about lost notebooks

Something about megachurches...
Something about mergers...
Something about wrestling camp...

Mindful

"...the unimaginable is there to be imagined."
-from a J.M. Coetzee story in a recent New Yorker

Follow that career!

I'm surprised no dairy has used "Gulp down the incomparable milk of wonder" as a tagline.

Wonder if I'll be reincarnated as a Japanese Salaryman.
Look for me in the corners of pachinko parlors.

Is there a federal law that regulates hotel pool closing times?


Life is short.
Life is long.
(I've heard both.)

Isn't that weird

Spent the time off playing catch up.

We can make fun of them afterwards.

We've all had things we didn't realize we had.

All that training for nothing.

As advertised

Receiving your fill of nature from a screen-saver.

The romantic desperation of calling information from a payphone, even if you're just getting the number of the closest Taco Bell.

What's another 20 bucks?

I can't remember if Duane Reade has a toy section.

Costive:
1) Suffering from constipation
2) (archaic) Slow in action or expressing ideas
As in: This all-you-can-eat buffet has made me costive.


I like when journalists cite google search results in their articles.

Confessions

I've only seen chunks of it, on cable.

I've always liked to live near swings.

I'll never get tired of complaining about how kids have to wear helmets when riding their Big Wheels and small bikes.

I need to get over my reluctance to order elaborate pasta dishes in diners.

Who cares how much a movie cost to make?

After school

The sonic discrepancy between the opening of a can of beer and a can of soda.
Use it.

I'm into flimsy.

Mirrored towers--better from the outside.

To be able to say, "We did what we could..."

Needs more Tilt-A-Whirl imagery!

Please don't use that word.

Dogging days

Every season has advantages and disadvantages.
Buildings now seem real clean-cut.

It's a cliche, but: guys standing outside the OTB parlor.

Is it okay to have recurring bouts of a crush on Chelsea Clinton?

Someday I'd like to solve something using phone records.

Not fair

Oh, like a gym membership would solve everything.

Less profound than it sounds

I like articles that suggest a nuclear attack wouldn't be so bad as you think.

We went across the country, pressing pennies.

It's not the rooms we miss in those old hotels--it's the look and promise of their signs.

You're likely to be remembered for things you've forgotten.

More gung, less ho

Of course we worry about the wrong things. That's why it's worry. Being afraid of the right things is terror.

Statistically possible

Where in Brooklyn, exactly, was 'Welcome Back, Kotter' set?
I'm chasing those ghosts.

Crystal

I saw a woman who looks like Paola will in 25 years.

Inside the box

Maybe death is, in its own unimaginable way, as odd, complex, and amazing as life.
And equally difficult to describe.

Industrial Magic and Loss

I don't have cable, but this isn't something I'm proud of.

The sudden way our electronics break.
Digital media's graceless degrade.

When store security alarms sound off for the wrong reason (libary book), we're supposed to voluntarily go back and defensively brandish receipts.
Not anymore.

Radio Shack can still be counted on to have that obscure, specific device that no one else has.

Play to your strengths

You could break his heart. That might be fun.

There is so much we haven't done and kind of want to do.

Does love fade?
Not the high-sex kind. We know that does. The other kind.

In relationships there is a division of labor that gets things done.
There is also some multiplication, but mostly division.

Does trading yawns across the subway count as cheating?

Aw, heck

I really miss Starfruit flavored Gatorade.

Love the fortune, hate the cookie

Is thinking that every member of a nationality is anti-Semitic something like anti-Semitism itself?
Or is it just being reasonable?

Let's sit back and watch actors mature.

You don't need to bring anything.

You should

Be more selfish. I wish that word meant what it sounds like--that your relationship to yourself is approximate and fuzzed.

Waxed

If it would be entertaining and useful, I'd happily be nakedly honest.

Seize the day

"Seize the day" is vague and useless. The obvious interpretation--grabbing what one wants, no matter what--will lead to sexual harassment or financial ruin. The phrase is used to coerce. Watch out for it. Days are unseizable anyway. Let the day be. How about just walk with it. Hold its hand.

Vacation funds

Resort layout learning curve.
What I need is a time machine to go back and apply sunscreen when it could've really helped. Like Florida, 1985.
I love those groups of casual dudes, with nice bodies, just starting out in finance.
These pushups are the hum of the vanity engine.
On deckchairs, reading literary fiction.
So bright it's dark, so hot it's cold.
I'm literally 135 soaking wet.
Reunion truism: Everybody looks just like everybody.
I'm holding out until the 'let them cry' school of parenting comes back into vogue.
According to the tv on the back of the plane seat, 200 human babies are born every minute. Which means 288,000 a day. Which means nothing.

So you'll get a new favorite hat...

We ate well...

He made gazpacho for their first date.

They're losing their minds, but they've earned it.

Our malls and nuclear weapons are showing their age.

A tragedy of manners?

Summer festivals, sponsored by big beer.

Why wouldn't I want to lick her armpit?

Do folks still carry mug money?

I'm proud to give my zip code to merchants.

Are George Bush and Tom Cruise on parallel paths, becoming more unreachable by the moment? Can folks across the globe tell the difference between them?

Things I should be well over by now...

Men accomplishing things on hot days

Ideally if you see me I'll be wearing my new peach and rose striped Le Tigre shirt I rescued from the clearance rack at Lord and Taylor.

Lost: line that would have been perfect here. Last thought on Metropolitain Ave, near Havemeyer, in Brooklyn. Something important: about you, about us. Reward.

Overheard 2

I had Runts for breakfast.

That was the gluten talking!

Dewey decimal this

Collections of essays about celebrity eating disorders.
Books about how Helen Keller was really a bitch.
Fraudulent holocaust memoirs.

Word/Quote of day

Word-
Cunctator. n. A procrastinator. "If you weren't such a cunctator, we wouldn't be in this mess."

Quote-
"(A)nd like all other clubs it's defined as much by its gate crashers as by its blueblood members."
from Dale Peck's 'Hatchet Jobs'

Elaborate Electronic Tombstone

Friendship is the thing that most makes me regret that life ends.

It'd be cool to form a band called The Gay Faggots.

The Chinatown Ice Cream Factory banner is looking ragged these days.

Travel

Phone banks at airports and train stations--their proud, lonely formerness.

Like most, I treasure every passing acqaintanceship. I wish I could name them all. The men I've traded papers with. Etc.

Funny how that works

Everything is everything.
Nothing is everything.
Everything is nothing.

This way

A headline in the Voice reminded me that this is one of my favorite poems. It's been over a year.

Key Food

Who doesn't love to see firemen tromping through the produce section, the frozen food aisle?

I'm always getting my ass kicked in conveyor belt showdowns. Look at what she's got: hommos, jarlsberg cheese, soymilk, looza nectars, berries, carr's table water crackers. What do I got: raisin bran, popcorn, ramen, catfood. And I don't even have a cat.

Get dressed

"Clothes horse" is usually a criticism, but it doesn't have to be. It should refer to someone who dresses in in a way that kicks up dust, a way that tunes the crowd into the possibilities of grace.

Art shows I recently missed

1) Jean-Michel Basquiat
2) Diane Arbus
3) Cy Twombly

I can't tell

I don't ask very much of you.
Or I'm asking everything of you.

There are so many

Important like shooting stars

Oasis

I can never find that stand near Wall Street with the cheap, artfully made-to-order fruit plates. ("Fruit Salad" always sounds wrong.) Next time I get there I'll write down where it is and let you know.

Proposal

How about giving credit to people who follow through on the urge to throw their phones into the ocean?

Declarations

You can be too well-groomed.

Sandwich cravings are usually very specific.
(Big Mike's Super Subs, Lenci's Deli, Hungry Head...)

That one

I recognize her from the day camp I never attended.

Let's not forget what we are

I complain when bathrooms aren't filthy enough.

Greetings from Tank Top Town

Come-on:
What you got under that?

This summer I'm looking to "exude a relaxed vitality," like playwright John Patrick Shanley does, according to USA Today.

Magazine rack blahs.

L.A.

Tinted windows tint your whole outlook.

It's fun watching girls cry!

Sure, when things aren't going smoothy I'll fire off a "Do you know who I am?"
but in a more plaintive tone than the celebrity version.

Sure, now I'd like to order that Canadian prank compilation, but I haven't seen it advertised lately.
Infomercials we miss.

What is Walgreen's saying when they announce over the loudspeaker, "Code 1 at the pharmacy, Code 1 at the pharmacy"?

We'll stare as intently at ugliness as we do at beauty.
Not the same intent.

Stories of bad decisions and enemies are more fun to read but less fun to live.

I need to work on embracing my destiny, like they recommend in the superhero movies.

Ideas you can run with

Essay: Middle-class crack experience. Buy it, smoke it. I'm sure it's not as addictive as we've been lead to believe, and is probably fun, in the right context.

Book: On Regional Rivalries. Examples of how and why people resent the neighboring town or state. Could be called: "On Shelbyville."

Bionic, man

We've fetishized the concept of the fetish.

Distracted, but from what?

I'd miss these outdoor subway platforms.
Any type on the other side seems moreso.

You and your photo essays.

Every word is a lie.

Oh-
No more using high school as an excuse.

Imperfect

The matinee can be great while it lasts, but what about afterwards?

Normally I'm normal

Service industry smoke break--
She was just my vegan muffin of the day.

Those who remember the past are also doomed to repeat it.
(But the past is never repeated exactly.)

Yes it is funny how the night moves

My slow-dance style has not changed since seventh grade.

Meditation

I'm wondering if all the movie theaters I've ever sat in will show up at my funeral. That would be nice.

Technically

Waitress face concentrated by the register screen.

How security monitors remind us about posture and behavior, for a moment.

Overheard (And I was somehow reassured)

"I have to work tomorrow until 9:30."

Candy selection at the PDQ, summer, 1997

Breath Savers. Wrigley’s Extra. Cinn-A-Burst, Mint-A-Burst, Fruit-A-Burst. Daily C. Wrigley’s Freedent. Breath Savers Ice Breakers. Wrigley’s Winterfresh, Big Red, Juicy Fruit, Doublemint, Spearmint. Fruit Stripe. Jolly Rancher bubble gum. Dentyne. Clarets. Care*Free. Trident. Adam’s Chiclets. Bubble Tape. Bazooka. Bazooka Blasts. Bazooka Bursts. Dubble Bubble. Bubble Yum. Bubblicious.

Razzles.

Ocean Spray Fruit Waves. Tic-Tacs. Certs. Jolly Ranchers. Mentos. Sen-Sen. Altoids. Life Savers: Butter Rum, Hot Cinnamon, PepOmint, SpearOmint, Five Flavor, CrystOmint, Tropical Fruits, Wild Sour Berries, Wild Cherry, WintOgreen, ChillOmint.

Chick-O-Stick.

Snickers. M&M Peanut, Plain, Almond, Peanut Butter. Twix. Milky Way. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Nutrageous. Hershey’s Symphony, Special Dark, Milk Chocolate, Milk Chocolate with Almonds, Cookies ‘n’ Mint, Krackel, Mr. Goodbar. Kit-Kat. Chunky. Butterfinger. Baby Ruth. Nestle Crunch, White Crunch, Milk Chocolate, Buncha Crunch. Caramello. Peter Paul Almond Joy and Mounds. Nestle 100 Grand. York Peppermint Patty. Heath. Heath Sensations. Junior Mints. Oh Henry! Payday. Sixlets. Dove Silky Dark Chocolate, Rich Milk Chocolate. Mars Chocolate Almond Bar. 3 Musketeers. Milky Way Dark and Milky Way Lite. Reese’s Pieces. Rolos. Hershey’s Skor, 5th Avenue, Watchamacallit. Charleston Chew. Nestle Quik Bar.

Bit-O-Honey. Werther’s Original. Toffifay. Toblerone.

Skittles. Starburst. Twizzlers. Raisinets. Chewy Sweettarts. Spree. Chewy Spree. Sweet Tarts. Gummi Life Savers. Shock Tarts. Shock Tart Chews. Jolly Rancher Mega Fruit Gummis. Amazin’ Fruit. Wacky Wafers. Ju Jubes. Jujyfruits. Ferrera Pan Lemonheads, Jaw Breakers, Boston Baked Beans, Alexander the Grapes, Red Hots. Mike and Ike. Hot Tamales. Super Hot Tamales. Good ‘n’ Fruity. Good ‘n’ Plenty. Snaps. Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip. Candy Coated Tart-n-Tiny’s. Starburst Fruit Twists. Tootsie Rolls. Milk Duds. Twin Bing Bar. Necco Wafers. Whoppers. Hersey’s TasteTations. Laffy Taffy. Rain-Blo. Giant Tarts. Chuckles. Dots. Tropical Dots. Goobers. Sugar Babies. Clark. Winter Clark. Mamba. Fruit Shaped Runts. Everlasting Gobstopper. Chewy Centered Gobstopper. Double-Dipped Tropical Nerds.

Super Ropes. Smarties Candy Necklaces. Bubble Jackpot. Bottle Caps. Now and Laters. Ring Pop. Crazy Dips. Pop Rocks. Bubble Boppers. Candy Lipstick. Gummi Watch. Bubble Beepers. Big League Chew. Bubble Lock. Mouse Candy. Bug City. Astro Pop. Big Choice Bubble Gum Cigars. Tootsie Pops. Fossil Pop. Mega Warheads. Blow Pops.

Good bumper sticker (so the medium hasn't exhausted itself):

Honk if you don't exist

Excuse

I gave to that other guy. Before.

Re: the cartoon in Metro (and other things, I'm sure)

I know it's not good--I just like it.

The season

I'm a fan a'
That girl eating a banana.

Exciting to see coolers and fans in drugstore windows.

Instruction

Insert and begin trusting.

Or maybe you should be judging more frequently and harshly

Pedestrians who are too well-dressed
Authors who write too many letters
Artists who make too much art
Teachers who are too enthusiastic about a teaching technique
Anyone who pursues too much

Stare

Target-types looking towards the time when they no longer need bodyguards.

Death on zero dollars a day

I've got a love-hate relationship with learning.

A book shouldn't have too many sex scenes (<2.5), or the rest of it won't get read. Books need to be all sex or very little sex.

I crave the uncanny of seeing the adult version of a face I last saw in elementary school.

Could someone be a Professor of SUV's?

"Love" is too broad a word.

iNose

I've worn an iPod around. We've had some good times. But I'm not sure headphones in public are a good idea. There are reasons to listen to the city: opportunity, absurdity, danger. There are musicians and crazy people that you need to hear.

If you wanted to mask one of the senses, it would make more sense to stick tubes in your nostrils, and have recreations of scents piped in. You'd be more present and aware, and still get to customize a piece of your relationship with the sensual world. You think walking around listening to senior year's cruising anthem is evocative, imagine the possibilities of a scent playlist on shuffle:

2 minutes of Wisconsin Prairie, 2:40 of lilac, 4:45 of barbeque, 1:07 of fresh donuts, 5:00 of the aroused genitalia of a fondly remembered lover, 2:10 of coffee brewing, 6:20 of cookies baking, 3:53 of popcorn, :30 of hot car, 3:00 of sunscreen, 1:00 of White-Out, :45 of Aqua-Net.

The technology is almost here. Walking around with wires coming out of your nose is no more ridiculous than having wires coming out of your ears. And you'll hear the horns and old acquaintances that are calling you.

Could I get a whole book out of this?

There is no perfect butt--
There are many perfect butts.

Frisbee in meadow

The rain was like faint applause.

Clueless

With a makeover, as with hypnosis, the subject needs to believe.

Sorry-

I've been busy mourning diners that have closed or redecorated.

Start a magazine (article guide)

-The spot every man secretly wants to be touched
-The one trick that will have her begging for more, every time
-Coverage of trend that’s either over or never existed in the first place—i.e. leg warmers redux, stun guns being used by self-medicating shock therapists
-How to shave correctly
-Results of survey on what percentage of Americans believe in U.F.O.’s and/or God
-Column on the vicissitudes of pubic hair fashion
-In-depth examination of power-politics at the top of Disney or other Hollywood studio
-Declaration of next “it” girl/Pictorial and profile of current “it” girl/Tragic story of former “it” girl
-Which moisturizer is best?
-The Death of Something (The Novel, Film, Monogamy, Childhood, Hip-Hop, Heterosexuality, Faith, The Circus, Irony, Penmanship, College Basketball, Leisure, etc.)
-Health report on mineral you’re not getting enough of, along with sobering news that you’ll need to eat 17 servings of mung beans a week to correct the deficiency

Challenge

Better than a ball game floating out of a transistor radio, in summer, at night?

Some good montage

-Skateboarding mishaps
-Makeover of person or house
-Lots of swallowing of pills and bottles of pills being opened
-Cash registers dinging and credit cards being swiped
-Amusement park romance: mini-golf, go-karts
-Fast-motion stadium concert set-up
-Bikinis on beach
-Close-ups of people smoking things

Ghost

Or maybe we need to be less Christ-like.

Is it okay to be afraid of the Christian right?

This is where you come in

There are truths, people, facts that can't be Googled.

Assumin'

Everytime I hear a cellphone ring, I assume it's mine.
Everytime I see a human figure in a window, I assume it's a young and nude woman.

Doing wrong

Is forgiveness supposed to come naturally?
Can you force it?

I want a good, big map

White Castle wrappers make appropriate trash.

The Indecisive Moment

Self-improvement--but to what end?

I'm trying to start using 'beast' as slang for the male and female genitals.

You don't have to be a man to be a man.

Extra

Don't throw me no surprise parties.

High on fiber

The opposite of a hypochondriac-
Assuming nothing is ever wrong.

One thing that gets better as you get older are naps.
This might be reason enough for continuing.

One answer

Noodles with butter and TV was good then, and it's good now.

Sweety...

My embrace of the ephemeral is ephemeral.

Wonder where your pony tail is swinging now.

A theology

No person, thing, or idea should be praised too much.
Everyone and everything is incomplete.
I'm even against the deification of God.

Cheers

I don't drink much, but I love the tangy smell of last night's beer bottles--
takes me someplace. I'll pour one out before bed to get that scent in the morning--a short-cut to evoke some old party, some old buzz.

Cutthroat

I'm in a competition to see who can be the least competitive.

Observation, not judgement

These kids won't know what it's like to rewind a video tape.

Order

So many books about obsession-compulsion--the lack of that disorder now feels like a kind of emptiness.
I'm mildly jealous of people who can't touch bathroom doorknobs.

But I will change clothes twice before going to the orange store.

Free song

Lean close to feel the breeze from the speaker.

I'm a heartbeat away from the presidency.

False modesty is better than no modesty.
Sometimes it's all we've got.

Do people still get mad when their favorite tunes are used in advertisements?
Let's do away with that line.

Demographic

I try to relate to people moving in the other direction on the escalator.

Character quiz

At a jukebox, you have to play one Queen song out of the following:

We Are The Champions
Somebody To Love
Fat-Bottomed Girls
Bicycle

Identity theft

To have someone steal your identity and trash your credit would be terrible, but it would also be bad to have someone steal your identity and make tons of money and fame and contentment and love. You would have to watch your imposter do better at your life than you could ever do.

(I might be seeing this now.)

Security camera

Looked at my image on the monitor over the pizza counter, and I thought it was my mother.

Audience peril

Cell phones have made live theater even more fragile. It's not enough to turn all phones off, or even leave them at home. They have to be un-invented. The potential ring is almost as bad as the ring itself.

Adult entertainment

Elaine visited;
Saw Charlie Rose at Elaine's.

Why are people against being imitated?
That's mostly what I've wanted.

Are we supposed to like or despise people who remind us of us?

Wanting to make a movie just to put together a soundtrack--
Should we have a word for that?

When one is alone, and one farts, and it doesn't smell--the vague disappointment one feels--
Do the French have a word for that?

Pun business

A cosmetics chain that carries products marketed towards minorities called "Ethnic Cleansing."
A hemorrhoid cream called "Ane-Gel."

Or does it just enable nostalgia for other things?

Is there nostalgia for the web, like for old fads and TV shows? Does going to a once-polular site like Hot or Not evoke feelings of cultural unity and slightly embarassed affection for the recent past?

Except as a novelty

A roaring shame that
The haiku--rapid, total
Never caught fire here

They know me here: mild proclamations

At first I never wore this shirt, but now I wear it a lot.
I've been meaning to click on that.
I'm not working on any big projects.
The refrigerator hum is soothing.
I should start exercising more soon.

I don't mean to insult you, but...sentence beginnings that get people listening

I'm not gay, but
Technically, this is thought crime, but
Please don't take this the wrong way, but
Most people think the vagina
I'm not racist, but

Tough Guys are Back! Trends

Sensitive men are back!
Surf culture is back!
Hand jobs are back!
Facial hair is back!
Pubic hair is back!
Having kids is back!
Motherhood is back!
Fatherhood is back!
Useful skills are back!
Contemplative silence is back!

Why I quit writing

Does the reading world need a book of shiny, virtually plotless, loosely linked short stories about an over-educated, mildly befucked suburban dude? Does it? I thought so.

Tyranny of the underdog

Everyone has to be a winner. Failure is unacceptable. Nothing worse than being a loser.

Yet, we like and root for the underdog. We don't like winners after they've won a lot. Then we want winners to lose. It's not cool to root for the Yankees, Starbucks, Microsoft, Duke.

So: win, but then you'll be a winner, and we'll want you to lose.

Is this how the world feels about America now?

Living will

When I’m dead and buried, and they come out with a cool new bottled drink you think I would’ve liked, please get one and pour it over my grave.

Chris Rock

Chris Rock, in an interview (Onion 40 #46), said, “I’m of the mindset that if only smart people like your shit, it ain’t that smart. If a guy drives a truck and he doesn’t get your jokes, something’s wrong there.”

Something’s also wrong with using truck drivers as shorthand for dumb. There's nothing that everybody gets. And give people who drive trucks more credit.

Why are so many hipster dating profiles against God?

"Atheists tend to advance a version of religion which nobody in their right mind would subscribe to, and then righteously reject it."
-From 'After Theory' by Terry Eagleton

The Best American To-Do Lists: New titles in the "Best American" book series

The Best American Writing From the Backs of ATM Receipts
The Best American Drug Contraindications
The Best American Holiday Letters
The Best American Hate-Newsletter Editorials
The Best American Text Messages
The Best American Coupon Restrictions
The Best American Menu Prose
The Best American Leaflets
The Best American Directions on How to Get out to That Party In The Valley
The Best American Cocktail Napkin Writing
The Best American Product Disclaimers

What's good

"The dominance of the self is not a flaw, it is an evolutionary characteristic; it is just how things are now." -Martin Amis on autobiographical fiction (and Updike) in Visiting Mrs. Nabokov

I’m a fan of narcissism. I like narcissists, as long as they can publicly demonstrate why they’re worthy of self-love.

Everything has been said, but maybe you can say something with a fresh vocabulary and intonation. Maybe people need to hear that thing again.

Hey, at least you’re not the guy on the History Channel who’s spent his life trying to figure out whether Hitler had Parkinson’s.

The sky is exactly like it is at the opening of The Simpsons

Blink? No!
Think before you think.

What a violin has come to mean.
Headlights that are always on.
Karate and dance studios on the second floor.

I dress like a writer, but I sure don't write like one.

Not a good time, heartwise

I can handle vague dread
Hell, it's my butter and bread
The problem with that chick--
The dread was too damn specific

It wasn’t a friendship, it wasn’t a relationship. It was just a ship—a leaking, listing, nauseating ship.

Poll results: Things to be ambivalent about

Artistic integrity
The new parking structure
Helmet laws
Food fads
Bank mergers
Abortion
Silly string ozone depletion
Fly fishing religiosity

Idea for porn magazine featuring pictures of graduate students:

ABD: All-Butt Dissertation!

"While hatred can be animating, it appeals to weakness." Quotes from books

"'But marriage is a battle, a terrible journey, a season in hell and a reason for living. You need to be equipped in all areas, not just the sexual.'"
-from 'Intimacy' by Hanif Kureishi

"'There must be some limit to the burden of remembering that we impose on our children and grandchildren.'"
-from 'Elizabeth Costello' by J.M. Coetzee

"While hatred can be animating, it appeals to weakness."
-from 'We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families' by Philip Gourevitch

"That all students are effortlessly 'creative' and that the need to release this creativity takes precedence over the need, say, to train people with the vanishing capacity for silence and self-containment--these are high among the ruling dogmas of American educators."
-from 'The Culture of Narcissism' by Christopher Lasch (Though for someone big on silence and self-containment, he wrote a lot of books.)

Where does this stuff go when we delete it? Questions

-If we hadn’t opened any of our toys, how much would they be worth?
-What if, upon dying, you’re handed a transcript of everything you’ve ever said? And you had to give a reading?
-What if our names are already carved on grains of rice?
-Did I see you at the gym?
-Were you wearing different glasses?
-As it is recommended to eat before going to the grocery store to avoid overbuying, does it follow what one should masturbate before going to the pornography shop?
-Is it bad to make fun of accents?
-Have you been outside yet?
-If you’re not supposed to worry about what other people think, what are you supposed to worry about?
-Would a catalog of every receipt you've ever gotten make a satisfying biography?
-In a series of close-ups of the genitalia of your former lovers, would you be able to tell whose is whose?
-Did you get my message?

L train, 4pm. You-Labyrinth bag, big headphones. Me-Big hair, puffy jacket, seven-yard stare. Should've talked to you...

Of course it’s easy to fall in love with strangers on the subway—you’re not committing to every inch, every ounce, every hour of them. You’re not committing to anything. Except that moment, which asks nothing of you.

Are we more or less than the sum of our passwords?

In 1996 in the New York Times, William Gibson wrote about the internet: "Somewhere, surely, there is a site that contains ... everything we have lost?"

Things I miss about being a pothead

-Being able to taste each individual ingredient in a Golden Graham
-The heightened spiritual significance of objects and events
-Feeling psychosomatic effects merely from looking the High Times centerfold
-The notion of a High Times centerfold
-Using marijuana as a “gateway,” or “stepping-stone” to other drugs
-Arguing fervently that “marijuana isn’t addictive” while battling devastating marijuana addiction
-Adhering to the version of American history that holds George Washington and Thomas Jefferson are significant mostly because they grew pot. Vast, verdant fields of it.
-Secret meanings in grocery aisles: Stoned Wheat Thins, Baked Lays.
-How every movie was the most amazing movie ever, until halfway through, when the pot wore off

Having more leads to wanting more: Be glad you're not famous

o If you’re never it, you can never become a has-been.
o Because you’re not often quoted, your quotes are less likely to be taken out of context.
o Public transportation and coach class are the best places to learn about humanity.
o The famous can’t dream of becoming famous.
o Nobody indulges the famous when they say they’re depressed or unfulfilled.
o Having more only leads to wanting more.
o Life and opinions aren’t dangerously overvalued.
o As cameras become omnipresent, the truly evolved know how to avoid them.
o The pharmacist doesn’t take special note of your prescription, and doctor-patient confidentiality is more likely to be upheld.
o It’s a lot of pressure being a role model, and a lot of work persuading people that you never set out to be a role model.
o Your alma mater doesn’t expect much from you.
o Living on through fame isn’t really living. It’s dying. Just like everybody else.

Wear a big fuzzy hat: suggestions

-If you want attention and compliments, wear a big fuzzy hat.
-Don't worry about any mistake that can be corrected for 20 dollars or less.
-To be a more casual, more effective parent: pretend that your children are nieces, or sons of a friend, that you somehow inherited. You'll still care, but will feel less pressure.
-To be better to the old: pretend they are all your grandparents.
-Do not be fooled by what other generations deem indispensable.
-Don't be upset over names or words that you can never remember. Maybe you're not supposed to know those things.
-Don't read articles about diseases. Wait until you get them, and they give you the pamphlets.

Problematic fortune cookie fortune

“The simplest answer is to act.” The simplest answer, but the right answer? Answer to what question? Act in what manner? Also, isn’t not acting usually simpler? Or is everything acting?

Poem: Prince of the Park Bench

Prince of the park bench, still
Survey the town's ginch-will
This lead to anything?
Is it responsible?
These are not questions now.

My tone's polyphonic,
Take on shit ironic,
Got no time
For interior rhyme,
Look for me
At the end of the line
I like girls
Who study signs-
Semiotic chicks
Not fixed.

Listen: money can't be saved.
I'm not even sure
What it is we're supposed
To brag about these days-
Is dick size still a big one?
I've got a big one
I've got a voucher
You can call her.

Spontaneity is not sincerity-
I dwell
Half in possibility
Half in actuality
Half in foolish jealousy
Half in whatever's on TV-
Still not complete,
Never be-
Everything is therapy.